Starving for a Friend

You know, I don't talk to a lot of my internet friends about stuff that goes on in real life. But sometimes the fine tendrils of real life lace through so deeply, that they make it even here in cyberspace.

Truth is, I'm starving for a friend. I'm literally drowning from the inside out. I'm clutching to God for dear life, and I'm just trying to make it from one day to the next without completely falling apart.

Honestly, right now, all I really want is a friend. I want to know someone cares what happens to me. Right now, it feels like no one does. I am not doing well at all. I'm not ok. I'm .... I'm scared. I don't feel strong enough to handle what is going on. I don't know how to keep the faith up.

I've got everything bottled up inside, and some days, I just want someone to talk to, to just listen. But somehow, everyone around me is completely missing the S.O.S. I'm sending out. I honestly don't feel like I have any true friends. Because none of them have been there for me. A few friends at church have been, but I only see them 2 days a week at most. The rest, I'm looking for someone to lean on, and find no one.

Most nights I just lay in bed crying, just trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with tomorrow. Just trying to talk myself out of thoughts like "what if I just didn't wake up. What if I could just end it all. Would I?"

No one wants to think things like that. No one wants to reach a point where they just wish it would all be over. But I..... I'm just having so much trouble... Day by day, watching your life fall apart around you. My trials are not the greatest anyone has faced. I guess that's why I try to act like everything is just perfect. Because I feel so silly and so weak. Why can't I handle this? Why is it so hard?

Somedays, all I need is someone to ask how I'm doing, and truly mean it. Somedays, when I say I'm struggling, I need more than an 'I'm sorry'. I need a 'want to talk about it', or something else. I need someone to say 'I'll be there' and truly follow through.

There just isn't someone out there though. I'm crying into empty space, and nobody is answering.

And like a child, when you cry and no one comes to help you, you stop crying. And here I sit, so listlessly, waiting for the darkness to clear. And I've stopped calling for help.

Because it isn't coming.